a lose-lose situation

everything's make or break.
i just wanna break... myself... into the tiniest of pieces.
maybe then i'd find silence...
maybe then i'd be content... and maybe i'd be able to realize what it is that i really want.
maybe i shouldn't even be doing this.
maybe i should just shut my pie-hole and resign to what i do best...
disappearing.
how can i lose when i'm not even playing?
that's one of life's cruelest jokes... you make no wager, but you pay regardless.